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No matter what life may throw at us, one of our best lines of defence is making healthy lifestyle choices. Those include consuming nutritional food and beverages, regular exercise, sufficient sleep, stress management and self-care. Vitamin/mineral supplements can also be beneficial in many cases but it is advisable to discuss anything of this nature with a physician in order to ensure that it is a safe choice in your unique case.
When it comes to making healthy lifestyle choices, they don’t need to be extreme in order to make a difference. Doing things in moderation is typically the way to go. It’s also quite possible to implement choices that are likeable and enjoyable. When we enjoy what we eat and the things that we do for our wellbeing, it makes the whole process of having and maintaining a healthy lifestyle much less complicated.
I’ll be the first person to say that it can be incredibly challenging to keep healthy lifestyle choices at the top of the priority list in cases of, say, dealing regularly with a narcissistically-inclined individual. When feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and lost, self-care may feel like it takes too much effort or that it’s a lost cause. However, now is EXACTLY the time that healthy lifestyle choices, especially self-care, can help us the most.
The bottom line is that choosing good options for ourselves when it comes to food, beverages, exercise, sleep, stress management and consistent self-care is one of the most positive and beneficial actions we can take, regardless of what is going on around us. These choices, no matter how small or simple we need for them to be at times, are the ones that will fuel our brains, mental wellbeing and bodies every day, which will, in turn, help to maintain the favorable momentum along with promoting and supporting long-term health and wellness.
Lack of accountability is a major element of narcissism. Why? Because being accountable, in the mind of the narcissist, is tantamount to being ‘wrong’ or ‘imperfect’, which would likely damage their fragile ego. As a result, accountability is not part of their vocabulary when it comes to themselves. Everyone around them, though, is required to be highly accountable for absolutely everything, including the mistakes of the narcissist.
If it isn’t positive, the narcissist wants NOTHING to do with it. Like oil and water, narcissists and accountability don’t mix. In their mind, any negative issue has to be attributable to someone else’s weakness, error or problem. As noted above, at its very root, accountability doesn’t work for narcissists because being ‘wrong’ in the eyes of others or themselves would be too damaging to the ego that they spend every waking moment trying to protect. This is one of the most basic foundations on which narcissism operates. They will deflect being accountable like it might mortally wound them if they don’t. They will outright lie, pass blame, make false accusations, throw a fit; whatever they need to do to push away accountability, they’re usually ready and willing to do so.
Keeping this in mind when dealing with someone you feel may be a narcissist is a very helpful tool. Once you’ve learned to see through all of the deflections and fabrications, you will notice that ego is virtually always behind lack of accountability for something that is clearly attributable to the individual in question. How or if we challenge them on it goes on a case-by-case basis, but ensuring that we don’t accept blame for actions that don’t belong to us helps to avoid future self-esteem issues.
Today and every day, no matter who you are, I wish you peace in your life. It’s worth its weight in gold.
So, if you’re dealing with narcissists over the holidays and stress is taking its toll, or you’re alone and feeling down, look for peace within yourself. That could mean deep breathing to relax your body and mind, taking a few moments to escape from someone who is causing drama, watching your favourite sitcom or movie, listening to (or playing some) music, taking your dog for a walk or hanging out with your cat. Whatever you need to do to simply relax and find some peace, go for it. Wellness (physical, mental, emotional) comes from within, and it typically grows together with peace, no matter how much or how little.
On this day, regardless of your surroundings, find your inner peace. It may be fleeting or you may be fortunate enough to hang onto it indefinitely, but the key is to find it in the first place and enjoy it while you can. And always remember, corny as it sounds, your life matters – you matter – so be kind to yourself.
One of the effects that narcissistic individuals tend to have on everyone around them is that their behaviour can have major impacts, typically in a negative way. I liken it to dominoes, where the narcissist’s negativity begins the process by pushing over the first domino in the line, which then bumps and knocks over the next domino, and so on and so forth until all of the dominoes have fallen. Picture the narcissist then smiling because they have controlled the game and ‘won’. All of the dominoes are down and the narcissistic individual stands victorious. Dominoes of dysfunction.
In real life, narcissists often have this type of impact on those around them. Their negativity, manipulation, use of triangulation, and often bad moods radiate out around them to one or more people (dominoes), sometimes unintentionally, but, more often than not, quite intentionally. Why? Because misery loves company. And the more people (dominoes) they can knock down (essentially bringing people down to make themselves feel ‘more than’), the better, as far as they’re concerned. If they can triangulate family members, friends, romantic partners or co-workers (see prior post on triangulation) to create issues between them (siblings triangulated by a parent, romantic partner and new interest, people within their social or employment group, etc.), it gives them the control that they need to manipulate people while still appearing to be the ‘good’ one. Domino after domino (person after person) falls while they stand back and smile at the chaos they’ve created. They might even jump in to reset the dominoes, just in case anyone were to get the idea that they had initiated the sequence of negative events, only to give them another push when they decide to make it happen again.
So, how do we protect ourselves from the narcissistic domino effect in reality? Either 1) defend yourself to the momentum of their negative forces by educating yourself about narcissistic behaviour, along with strengthening yourself with self-care and confidence while taking the power away from the negative behaviour with knowledge (in domino terms, place a gap between yourself and the domino in front of you so that you won’t be impacted, or brace yourself from falling if you’re the first domino in the line), or 2) remove yourself from the game entirely with the use of low contact or no contact (ie. take your domino out of the container and never put it back), if possible.
Once we have educated ourselves about narcissistic behaviour and have seen it for what it is – disordered, dysfunctional and damaged people with fragile egos who are hellbent on protecting their egos from anything and everything – it is possible to better deflect and cope with it. If you have the option of going low contact or no contact, you can then take the time to recover and clear your mind. It’s amazing how much our perception can change without the constant onslaught of drama, manipulation and negative, controlling interactions.
One way or another, we can remove ourselves from the domino effect by ensuring that we are braced and can’t be knocked down or simply by not playing the game.
Some of the more popular self-talk phrases have become somewhat cliched; nonetheless, they are still beneficial when it comes to talking to ourselves with positivity and encouragement. Belief in oneself is necessary for success. Unless or until we truly have faith in our abilities and positive traits, we can’t fully reach our goals and celebrate our accomplishments.
Many of us struggle with negative self-talk, a pattern we more than likely developed from a dysfunctional upbringing and/or experiences with narcissistic friends, teachers, colleagues or partners. When negativity and criticism are regularly tossed our way, it can become a challenge not to internalize it and have it become a part of how we see ourselves. But it doesn’t need to be this way.
Just as we fell into the pattern of choosing negative self-talk, we can do the same in the opposite direction. Even if you’ve had the great misfortune of never receiving a compliment from people you care about (generally happens with narcissists who always need to feel that they are the ‘best’ at the expense of everyone around them), you have the power to look at yourself from an encouraging, positive and kind standpoint. From that standpoint, try giving yourself credit for your unique talents, skills, accomplishments, personality traits and so on. Really own it. Flip the negativity on its head and focus on the positive. It’s free, simple and can change your entire outlook on yourself and the world around you. Perspective is a tool that is always at your disposal and you have the power to alter it at any given moment. Looking up at the possibilities rather than down on yourself is empowering and can have dramatic effects.
Making positive self-talk a daily habit is undoubtedly beneficial on a variety of levels. And sharing that positivity with others through compliments, encouragement and kindness will also bring with it even more positive feelings. So, cliched and simplistic as it may sound, believe in yourself, be kind to yourself and others, take care of yourself. Live your best life.
Triangulation is an all-time favourite tactic of many people with narcissistic tendencies. Divide and conquer. Control and manipulate for the benefit of ego. Simple yet effective.
In the family environment, a narcissist will often take the positive and negative parts of their own self-image and project them onto their children. If there are two siblings, one will become the golden child and will have all of the positive traits piled onto them. No matter what they do, they can do no wrong in the eyes of the dysfunctional parent. As for the negative traits, they will be bestowed upon the scapegoat child, who will be viewed as doing everything wrong no matter how hard they try. In a family with only one child, the narcissistic parent may at times go back and forth between the positive and negative as it is placed on this individual. Or the child may always be either all good or all bad. Where more than two children are part of the family, these dynamics can stretch to all of them at times. Going back to the case of two siblings, the narcissistic parent will regularly compare the two children and play them against each other, touting the virtues of the golden child while heavily criticizing the scapegoat child. Many times, the siblings will end up disliking one another because they are constantly being compared. In the end, what the parent wants is the drama and attention. The golden child will adore them for always giving unending amounts of praise, while the scapegoated child will likely spend much time trying to please the parent to no avail. The narcissist controls the entire narrative with manipulation. Trusting that their parent would never do them harm and that this is ‘normal’ behaviour within a family, along with being too afraid to discuss it if they did indeed notice it, the children are typically unaware of what is truly happening. This does much damage to relationships and the wellbeing of the entire family. There are also cases where the narcissist will triangulate a child with the other parent or extended family members.
This dynamic also often plays out in romantic relationships. A narcissistic partner will suddenly begin to overtly show interest in another person and will subtly (or sometimes not-so-subtly) compare their current partner with the outsider. This leads to insecurities for the partner. The narcissist will also do the same to the new person but typically on the basis of complaining about how terrible their current partner treats them, etc., leaving them feeling as though they need to fight for the narcissist and save them from the clutches of this cruel abuser. This is also an easy way for the narcissist to send messages to one person through another, without directly addressing the first person. For example, the new person may send a cruel text to the current partner, telling them something unkind (which is based on lies that they are oblivious to), while thinking that they’re defending the narcissist (who is portraying themselves as a hapless victim) against damage. These two people, the current and new partners, will generally have little or no contact with one another (often complete strangers), which leaves the situation entirely in the control of the narcissist. Why would someone do this? It gives them power, control, drama, and the attention they seek to feed their fragile ego. Eventually, they will tire of the game and will then typically discard one of the love interests. Whoever ‘wins’ the prize of the narcissist will no doubt be drawn into future triangulations, maybe even being discarded at some point. It’s a never-ending cycle. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies are never content and are always looking for whatever or whoever they think will better suit their needs.
Narcissists will use triangulation in a variety of situations (school, workplace, social groups, etc.) but the above scenarios are the most common. This tactic allows them to manipulate and control others for the benefit of their own dysfunction and ego. Does a narcissist realize what they are doing? Possibly. But in the end, it serves to fulfill their strong and constant need for ego-stroking and drama, which is most important to them. They can callously turn two people against one another while drawing what they feel is much-needed attention for themselves in order to feed and protect their sensitive ego.
If you find yourself being triangulated, the best course of action is to remove yourself from it in any way possible and remind yourself that none of it is truly about you. No one needs to be a pawn in a disordered person’s twisted games. The potential consequences are too severe – self-esteem issues, eventual trauma, broken relationships, trust issues and so on. When we refuse to play the game, we are protecting ourselves from harm. No matter what message a manipulative person may try to convey to you, no one deserves to be the victim of triangulation.
For anyone who has had to deal with a narcissist, you will likely have discovered that they are masterful with smear campaigns when they turn on you. They will tell lies about you to anyone who will listen in an attempt to discredit you and make themselves out to be the innocent victim of your alleged horrific behaviour. Without a doubt, this is a difficult position in which to find yourself. A common knee-jerk reaction tends to be a strong need to clear your name, explain that you haven’t done anything to the complainant, and keep your reputation intact without losing friends or, even worse, family members.
In my experience, the very best response is silence, unless absolutely necessary. The narcissist wants to see you trying to defend yourself so that they can further their case against you. They’ll tell everyone that you’re lying and will put even more effort into playing the victim while attempting to discredit you in an attempt to alienate you from as many people as possible. If you can, don’t respond. Silence is golden.
I once knew a narcissist who tried to destroy me on every level simply because she wanted the small business that I had created. It was a challenging experience that she tried to drag on for quite some time. I learned early in the situation to stay in my lane and quietly wait for people to start catching on to her. It didn’t take long before her lies and extremely toxic behaviour began to garner attention. Soon, she did not have many supporters because they began to see through her routine. Eventually she moved on to other targets but with each attack she launched, more people (flying monkeys) jumped ship. Has she learned anything from these experiences? If she has, it isn’t apparent. In fact, I have heard that her most current campaign is against someone who recently passed away! Their hatred knows no bounds. She continues with the same false stories, looking for sympathy and to damage others; it’s just that no one pays any attention to her now (unless they’re a new pawn in her life). Sadly, it’s rare for narcissists to change. If nothing else, and with a strong awareness of the damage and pain they cause other people, I feel sorry for these disordered individuals. What a way to go through life.
So, in my mind, the best response to a smear campaign is no response, unless it is a case where it is absolutely necessary to do so. Enjoy your life while they do their thing. Picture them as a little narcissistic tornado trapped in a lidded mason jar, spinning angrily with no particular direction. Contained, powerless, wasting energy with the endless swirling vortex of their own unhappiness and need to manipulate and control everything around them. Take that imaginary jar and set it somewhere that you never have to look at it. Then breathe a few deep breaths and move on.
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent or role model, that experience has the potential to cause issues for you in other relationships.
First of all, you may be strongly drawn to other narcissistic people in both friendships and romantic relationships. The dysfunctional dynamic in which you were raised and that you view as ‘normal’, feels familiar and comfortable. Unless someone (an “outsider”) has pointed out the disordered family environment for what it is, you will tend to believe that everything is as it should be, so why would you do anything but extend that into other parts of your life? We all try to do our best with the information we have at the time. Once you know better, you have the opportunity to do better. But, in the meantime, there is a huge vulnerability for ending up with more narcissists and their abusive behaviour. It’s a vicious cycle.
Once in another narcissistic dynamic, those feelings of familiarity and comfort strongly indicate that, based on a childhood filled with narcissism that you don’t yet understand, this is exactly where you belong. This individual treats me like my (fill in the blank) has treated me all my life. Logic follows that if someone who supposedly loves me treated me that way, and this new person is treating me the same way, it must be fine. Add in the typical low self-esteem and self-doubt that tend to go along with being mistreated for years, and you have the perfect storm for more negativity and abuse.
There are many other ways that narcissistic abuse can color your future relationships, and I will touch on those in an upcoming post.
Without a doubt, there is so much hope for anyone who has experienced this type of dysfunction in their life. You can and will find peace, identity, confidence, self-esteem, happiness, self-love, improved self-care, security and strength. And there are support systems available, like Natural Clarity Coaching, for example, whose focus is to be there as you make your way to a healthier mindset and greater wellbeing. Just as the tree in the image below has grown up and around the hydro lines, even taking on the fence in the process, so, too, do we have the ability to triumph over adversity.
Tree growing around hydro lines in order to thrive
Bucket List = a list of things a person wants to do during their lifetime.
Do you have a bucket list? Until recently, I didn’t have one. Then I decided it was worth doing. Life goes by so quickly and there are definitely plenty of ideas on my list.
Places to go, events to participate in, things to do, people to meet – all major potential items for a bucket list. Short-term and/or long-terms goals work equally as well, or a combination of both.
Maybe, if you don’t already have one, you could consider jotting down some bucket list ideas for yourself and then start carrying them out and checking them off. Not only will it be fulfilling to do the things you’ve always wanted to do but checking off items on a list is also very satisfying!
Here is a great way to reduce stress. It can also help with falling asleep.
It’s called the 4-7-8 Breathing Technique (“Relaxed Breath”). This is how it works:
Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold breath for 7 seconds, exhale forcefully through pursed lips for 8 seconds. This cycle can be repeated up to four times in a row, two or more times daily.
You can also pair this exercise with guided imagery or meditation for an even more therapeutic experience.
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