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Today and every day, no matter who you are, I wish you peace in your life. It’s worth its weight in gold.
So, if you’re dealing with narcissists over the holidays and stress is taking its toll, or you’re alone and feeling down, look for peace within yourself. That could mean deep breathing to relax your body and mind, taking a few moments to escape from someone who is causing drama, watching your favourite sitcom or movie, listening to (or playing some) music, taking your dog for a walk or hanging out with your cat. Whatever you need to do to simply relax and find some peace, go for it. Wellness (physical, mental, emotional) comes from within, and it typically grows together with peace, no matter how much or how little.
On this day, regardless of your surroundings, find your inner peace. It may be fleeting or you may be fortunate enough to hang onto it indefinitely, but the key is to find it in the first place and enjoy it while you can. And always remember, corny as it sounds, your life matters – you matter – so be kind to yourself.
Some of the more popular self-talk phrases have become somewhat cliched; nonetheless, they are still beneficial when it comes to talking to ourselves with positivity and encouragement. Belief in oneself is necessary for success. Unless or until we truly have faith in our abilities and positive traits, we can’t fully reach our goals and celebrate our accomplishments.
Many of us struggle with negative self-talk, a pattern we more than likely developed from a dysfunctional upbringing and/or experiences with narcissistic friends, teachers, colleagues or partners. When negativity and criticism are regularly tossed our way, it can become a challenge not to internalize it and have it become a part of how we see ourselves. But it doesn’t need to be this way.
Just as we fell into the pattern of choosing negative self-talk, we can do the same in the opposite direction. Even if you’ve had the great misfortune of never receiving a compliment from people you care about (generally happens with narcissists who always need to feel that they are the ‘best’ at the expense of everyone around them), you have the power to look at yourself from an encouraging, positive and kind standpoint. From that standpoint, try giving yourself credit for your unique talents, skills, accomplishments, personality traits and so on. Really own it. Flip the negativity on its head and focus on the positive. It’s free, simple and can change your entire outlook on yourself and the world around you. Perspective is a tool that is always at your disposal and you have the power to alter it at any given moment. Looking up at the possibilities rather than down on yourself is empowering and can have dramatic effects.
Making positive self-talk a daily habit is undoubtedly beneficial on a variety of levels. And sharing that positivity with others through compliments, encouragement and kindness will also bring with it even more positive feelings. So, cliched and simplistic as it may sound, believe in yourself, be kind to yourself and others, take care of yourself. Live your best life.
Realizing that someone in your life has narcissistic tendencies can be a lot to process. There could be a multitude of happenings that led you to this place. It’s typically quite different for each individual. One way or the other, here you are. So, the next thought on your mind may be figuring out how to cope with this new reality.
It’s likely that you’re feeling a mixture of emotions ranging from anger to disbelief to loss to disappointment to confusion to sadness to fear and so on. You might feel like your world has been turned upside-down without any warning. Depending on who the person is (for example, a romantic relationship), you may be concerned about the future and whether you will have one with them. If the person is an immediate family member, possibly a parent, your entire life may now feel like one big question mark. You may be questioning your belief systems and the very foundations of your life within your family of origin. Or friendships, work relationships and a variety of other circumstances could be where this newly-recognized dynamic exists. No matter what, though, there will be challenges involved for you.
This is one of those times that self-care will be a great benefit for you. Take as much time as you need to thoroughly process the situation. If necessary, find someone that you trust to discuss this with. Sometimes just saying it out loud can help with processing. In the event that you don’t feel you can share this with anyone, consider journaling. Some people find that writing down their thoughts can be just as beneficial as saying them out loud. You can always burn the paper afterwards if you want. Online forums and support groups also exist for exactly these circumstances. It goes without saying that others who are going through the same types of experiences can be a great support system and resource.
One of the best things you can do for yourself, though, is to take the time to process the situation. Trying to take the emotion out of the mix and look at the facts can also be very helpful. Once you have accepted things as they are, the next step will be to decide what to do about it, if anything. I’ll make that the topic of a future post. Just remember that this isn’t the end of the world. Take a deep breath and know that you can handle anything life has to throw at you. We all have strength within us. Sometimes we have to dig deep for it, but it’s definitely there.
For anyone who has had to deal with a narcissist, you will likely have discovered that they are masterful with smear campaigns when they turn on you. They will tell lies about you to anyone who will listen in an attempt to discredit you and make themselves out to be the innocent victim of your alleged horrific behaviour. Without a doubt, this is a difficult position in which to find yourself. A common knee-jerk reaction tends to be a strong need to clear your name, explain that you haven’t done anything to the complainant, and keep your reputation intact without losing friends or, even worse, family members.
In my experience, the very best response is silence, unless absolutely necessary. The narcissist wants to see you trying to defend yourself so that they can further their case against you. They’ll tell everyone that you’re lying and will put even more effort into playing the victim while attempting to discredit you in an attempt to alienate you from as many people as possible. If you can, don’t respond. Silence is golden.
I once knew a narcissist who tried to destroy me on every level simply because she wanted the small business that I had created. It was a challenging experience that she tried to drag on for quite some time. I learned early in the situation to stay in my lane and quietly wait for people to start catching on to her. It didn’t take long before her lies and extremely toxic behaviour began to garner attention. Soon, she did not have many supporters because they began to see through her routine. Eventually she moved on to other targets but with each attack she launched, more people (flying monkeys) jumped ship. Has she learned anything from these experiences? If she has, it isn’t apparent. In fact, I have heard that her most current campaign is against someone who recently passed away! Their hatred knows no bounds. She continues with the same false stories, looking for sympathy and to damage others; it’s just that no one pays any attention to her now (unless they’re a new pawn in her life). Sadly, it’s rare for narcissists to change. If nothing else, and with a strong awareness of the damage and pain they cause other people, I feel sorry for these disordered individuals. What a way to go through life.
So, in my mind, the best response to a smear campaign is no response, unless it is a case where it is absolutely necessary to do so. Enjoy your life while they do their thing. Picture them as a little narcissistic tornado trapped in a lidded mason jar, spinning angrily with no particular direction. Contained, powerless, wasting energy with the endless swirling vortex of their own unhappiness and need to manipulate and control everything around them. Take that imaginary jar and set it somewhere that you never have to look at it. Then breathe a few deep breaths and move on.
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