Finally – 2020 is heading out!! Bring on the new year!!
Wishing you all the best in 2021!! New posts on the horizon. Feel free to send an email to naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com at any time. 🙂
Until next year (haha),
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Lack of accountability is a major element of narcissism. Why? Because being accountable, in the mind of the narcissist, is tantamount to being ‘wrong’ or ‘imperfect’, which would likely damage their fragile ego. As a result, accountability is not part of their vocabulary when it comes to themselves. Everyone around them, though, is required to be highly accountable for absolutely everything, including the mistakes of the narcissist.
If it isn’t positive, the narcissist wants NOTHING to do with it. Like oil and water, narcissists and accountability don’t mix. In their mind, any negative issue has to be attributable to someone else’s weakness, error or problem. As noted above, at its very root, accountability doesn’t work for narcissists because being ‘wrong’ in the eyes of others or themselves would be too damaging to the ego that they spend every waking moment trying to protect. This is one of the most basic foundations on which narcissism operates. They will deflect being accountable like it might mortally wound them if they don’t. They will outright lie, pass blame, make false accusations, throw a fit; whatever they need to do to push away accountability, they’re usually ready and willing to do so.
Keeping this in mind when dealing with someone you feel may be a narcissist is a very helpful tool. Once you’ve learned to see through all of the deflections and fabrications, you will notice that ego is virtually always behind lack of accountability for something that is clearly attributable to the individual in question. How or if we challenge them on it goes on a case-by-case basis, but ensuring that we don’t accept blame for actions that don’t belong to us helps to avoid future self-esteem issues.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Today and every day, no matter who you are, I wish you peace in your life. It’s worth its weight in gold.
So, if you’re dealing with narcissists over the holidays and stress is taking its toll, or you’re alone and feeling down, look for peace within yourself. That could mean deep breathing to relax your body and mind, taking a few moments to escape from someone who is causing drama, watching your favourite sitcom or movie, listening to (or playing some) music, taking your dog for a walk or hanging out with your cat. Whatever you need to do to simply relax and find some peace, go for it. Wellness (physical, mental, emotional) comes from within, and it typically grows together with peace, no matter how much or how little.
On this day, regardless of your surroundings, find your inner peace. It may be fleeting or you may be fortunate enough to hang onto it indefinitely, but the key is to find it in the first place and enjoy it while you can. And always remember, corny as it sounds, your life matters – you matter – so be kind to yourself.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, TGIF!!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
One of the effects that narcissistic individuals tend to have on everyone around them is that their behaviour can have major impacts, typically in a negative way. I liken it to dominoes, where the narcissist’s negativity begins the process by pushing over the first domino in the line, which then bumps and knocks over the next domino, and so on and so forth until all of the dominoes have fallen. Picture the narcissist then smiling because they have controlled the game and ‘won’. All of the dominoes are down and the narcissistic individual stands victorious. Dominoes of dysfunction.
In real life, narcissists often have this type of impact on those around them. Their negativity, manipulation, use of triangulation, and often bad moods radiate out around them to one or more people (dominoes), sometimes unintentionally, but, more often than not, quite intentionally. Why? Because misery loves company. And the more people (dominoes) they can knock down (essentially bringing people down to make themselves feel ‘more than’), the better, as far as they’re concerned. If they can triangulate family members, friends, romantic partners or co-workers (see prior post on triangulation) to create issues between them (siblings triangulated by a parent, romantic partner and new interest, people within their social or employment group, etc.), it gives them the control that they need to manipulate people while still appearing to be the ‘good’ one. Domino after domino (person after person) falls while they stand back and smile at the chaos they’ve created. They might even jump in to reset the dominoes, just in case anyone were to get the idea that they had initiated the sequence of negative events, only to give them another push when they decide to make it happen again.
So, how do we protect ourselves from the narcissistic domino effect in reality? Either 1) defend yourself to the momentum of their negative forces by educating yourself about narcissistic behaviour, along with strengthening yourself with self-care and confidence while taking the power away from the negative behaviour with knowledge (in domino terms, place a gap between yourself and the domino in front of you so that you won’t be impacted, or brace yourself from falling if you’re the first domino in the line), or 2) remove yourself from the game entirely with the use of low contact or no contact (ie. take your domino out of the container and never put it back), if possible.
Once we have educated ourselves about narcissistic behaviour and have seen it for what it is – disordered, dysfunctional and damaged people with fragile egos who are hellbent on protecting their egos from anything and everything – it is possible to better deflect and cope with it. If you have the option of going low contact or no contact, you can then take the time to recover and clear your mind. It’s amazing how much our perception can change without the constant onslaught of drama, manipulation and negative, controlling interactions.
One way or another, we can remove ourselves from the domino effect by ensuring that we are braced and can’t be knocked down or simply by not playing the game.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Triangulation is an all-time favourite tactic of many people with narcissistic tendencies. Divide and conquer. Control and manipulate for the benefit of ego. Simple yet effective.
In the family environment, a narcissist will often take the positive and negative parts of their own self-image and project them onto their children. If there are two siblings, one will become the golden child and will have all of the positive traits piled onto them. No matter what they do, they can do no wrong in the eyes of the dysfunctional parent. As for the negative traits, they will be bestowed upon the scapegoat child, who will be viewed as doing everything wrong no matter how hard they try. In a family with only one child, the narcissistic parent may at times go back and forth between the positive and negative as it is placed on this individual. Or the child may always be either all good or all bad. Where more than two children are part of the family, these dynamics can stretch to all of them at times. Going back to the case of two siblings, the narcissistic parent will regularly compare the two children and play them against each other, touting the virtues of the golden child while heavily criticizing the scapegoat child. Many times, the siblings will end up disliking one another because they are constantly being compared. In the end, what the parent wants is the drama and attention. The golden child will adore them for always giving unending amounts of praise, while the scapegoated child will likely spend much time trying to please the parent to no avail. The narcissist controls the entire narrative with manipulation. Trusting that their parent would never do them harm and that this is ‘normal’ behaviour within a family, along with being too afraid to discuss it if they did indeed notice it, the children are typically unaware of what is truly happening. This does much damage to relationships and the wellbeing of the entire family. There are also cases where the narcissist will triangulate a child with the other parent or extended family members.
This dynamic also often plays out in romantic relationships. A narcissistic partner will suddenly begin to overtly show interest in another person and will subtly (or sometimes not-so-subtly) compare their current partner with the outsider. This leads to insecurities for the partner. The narcissist will also do the same to the new person but typically on the basis of complaining about how terrible their current partner treats them, etc., leaving them feeling as though they need to fight for the narcissist and save them from the clutches of this cruel abuser. This is also an easy way for the narcissist to send messages to one person through another, without directly addressing the first person. For example, the new person may send a cruel text to the current partner, telling them something unkind (which is based on lies that they are oblivious to), while thinking that they’re defending the narcissist (who is portraying themselves as a hapless victim) against damage. These two people, the current and new partners, will generally have little or no contact with one another (often complete strangers), which leaves the situation entirely in the control of the narcissist. Why would someone do this? It gives them power, control, drama, and the attention they seek to feed their fragile ego. Eventually, they will tire of the game and will then typically discard one of the love interests. Whoever ‘wins’ the prize of the narcissist will no doubt be drawn into future triangulations, maybe even being discarded at some point. It’s a never-ending cycle. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies are never content and are always looking for whatever or whoever they think will better suit their needs.
Narcissists will use triangulation in a variety of situations (school, workplace, social groups, etc.) but the above scenarios are the most common. This tactic allows them to manipulate and control others for the benefit of their own dysfunction and ego. Does a narcissist realize what they are doing? Possibly. But in the end, it serves to fulfill their strong and constant need for ego-stroking and drama, which is most important to them. They can callously turn two people against one another while drawing what they feel is much-needed attention for themselves in order to feed and protect their sensitive ego.
If you find yourself being triangulated, the best course of action is to remove yourself from it in any way possible and remind yourself that none of it is truly about you. No one needs to be a pawn in a disordered person’s twisted games. The potential consequences are too severe – self-esteem issues, eventual trauma, broken relationships, trust issues and so on. When we refuse to play the game, we are protecting ourselves from harm. No matter what message a manipulative person may try to convey to you, no one deserves to be the victim of triangulation.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Realizing that someone in your life has narcissistic tendencies can be a lot to process. There could be a multitude of happenings that led you to this place. It’s typically quite different for each individual. One way or the other, here you are. So, the next thought on your mind may be figuring out how to cope with this new reality.
It’s likely that you’re feeling a mixture of emotions ranging from anger to disbelief to loss to disappointment to confusion to sadness to fear and so on. You might feel like your world has been turned upside-down without any warning. Depending on who the person is (for example, a romantic relationship), you may be concerned about the future and whether you will have one with them. If the person is an immediate family member, possibly a parent, your entire life may now feel like one big question mark. You may be questioning your belief systems and the very foundations of your life within your family of origin. Or friendships, work relationships and a variety of other circumstances could be where this newly-recognized dynamic exists. No matter what, though, there will be challenges involved for you.
This is one of those times that self-care will be a great benefit for you. Take as much time as you need to thoroughly process the situation. If necessary, find someone that you trust to discuss this with. Sometimes just saying it out loud can help with processing. In the event that you don’t feel you can share this with anyone, consider journaling. Some people find that writing down their thoughts can be just as beneficial as saying them out loud. You can always burn the paper afterwards if you want. Online forums and support groups also exist for exactly these circumstances. It goes without saying that others who are going through the same types of experiences can be a great support system and resource.
One of the best things you can do for yourself, though, is to take the time to process the situation. Trying to take the emotion out of the mix and look at the facts can also be very helpful. Once you have accepted things as they are, the next step will be to decide what to do about it, if anything. I’ll make that the topic of a future post. Just remember that this isn’t the end of the world. Take a deep breath and know that you can handle anything life has to throw at you. We all have strength within us. Sometimes we have to dig deep for it, but it’s definitely there.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
So, my last post touched on how narcissists use words to control. Typically, if words don’t have the desired impact that a narcissist wants, they will turn next to the silent treatment. Simply put, this involves the refusal to communicate verbally to a certain person or people. It’s a form of punishment, control, avoidance and/or disempowerment.
For example, let’s say I have stood up to a narcissistic person who has been verbally abusive towards me. They have then attempted to justify their poor behaviour by blaming it all on me and then tried to twist reality to say that I have, in fact, somehow victimized them. But I’m not having any of it and I let them know it. Next tactic – the narcissist begins giving me the silent treatment by refusing to speak to me any further in that moment and then possibly for days, weeks or more beyond that. Chances are that this will be happening in conjunction with a smear campaign (see prior blog post in archives) in an effort to turn others against me as further punishment. That’s pretty much how this process works, with minor variances.
Depending on who the narcissist/narcissists is/are in your life, being given the silent treatment can be a very challenging experience. It can bring with it feelings of guilt, shame, abandonment, loneliness, loss, betrayal and so on. But, just like most things related to narcissism, it’s all about control for them. Controlling with words, controlling with silence, controlling with other forms of abuse. Consider the source. This is a disordered individual with a hypersensitive ego that they will do almost anything to protect. Their behaviour has nothing to do with anyone but themselves and their own issues.
So, what are some potential ways to deal with someone who is behaving in such an uncommunicative, juvenile and hurtful fashion? Well, depending on your situation, you could completely ignore them and get on with things while their behaviour runs its course. Alternatively, you could let them know that you can see what they are doing and that you aren’t interested in playing that game, and then forget about them entirely until they stop with the nonsense. Low contact or no contact are also options, either temporary or permanent (see post on this topic in archives). Of course, you could beg them to speak to you or scream until you’re hoarse, but that only serves to give them exactly what they want – control and power.
The end goal in dealing with a narcissistic-type person is to keep your wellbeing and sanity in place. Do what you feel you need to do. But, also, the constant theme should be to ensure that there are boundaries in place to protect yourself on all levels, and that means not allowing yourself to be drawn into their regular attempts at manipulation and control.
No matter what, your wellbeing comes first. Focus on your own life, keep busy, exercise, engage in hobbies, spend time with non-narcissistic friends/family and try to put negativity out of your mind. Silent treatments are rarely permanent. In the meantime, see it for what it is (basically a sulking toddler) and don’t give away any of your power or sanity to it. It gets easier every time. And if you arrive at a point where you simply choose not to have much or any future contact with this individual, that’s your prerogative. It’s your life and you have the right to live it as you see fit.
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Many tactics regularly implemented by narcissists involve the use of words. They use words to manipulate, deceive, belittle, confuse, make accusations and so on. Bottom line: narcissists use words to control others. When words don’t work for them, they will often flip the situation to that of the silent treatment. But that’s another post altogether.
If it is necessary to deal with a narcissist, a major defence for protection against their twisted use of words is to keep what they say in perspective in order to avoid being damaged or manipulated. Hold this in mind: They’re Just Words. Plus, these words are typically coming from someone who is disordered and protecting their excessively fragile ego. Also, in order for those words to hurt, manipulate, belittle, or confuse us, we have to first allow it. But if we always keep in mind that they’re just words being tossed out at us as a narcissistic tactic, it makes it much easier not to take any of it personally or be drawn into the web. This definitely takes practice but it’s very possible to master it.
At the very root of interactions with narcissists, it is most beneficial to implement our own countertactics to help to keep our wellbeing intact. Engaging with a narcissist rarely leads to positive outcomes. Sometimes it’s not possible to avoid narcissistic individuals. So, TJW (they’re just words) is always there for us to put into play as a protective barrier.
So, the next time you are interacting with a narcissistic individual, take a deep breath, remember your own strength and power, and put all of their nonsense into the TJW rubbish pile where it belongs.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching at Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
So, first of all, in psychology terms, projection refers to taking one’s own feelings, beliefs and/or insecurities and projecting/placing them onto someone else. Let’s say, for example, I’m feeling anxious about something. I may then approach my friend, who at that moment is free of anxiety, and talk to her as though she’s the one who is anxious, which may, as an aside, actually make her feel anxious. If I can convince myself that my friend is actually the anxious one in the scenario, it might just lighten or entirely remove the intensity of it for me. This is typically an activity, unaware as we may be of it, that we all do from time to time.
When used by narcissists, projection becomes somewhat of a weapon. And they use it on a very regular, albeit typically subconscious, basis. Narcissistic individuals base their entire self-worth on how they are perceived by others. In order to protect their fragile egos, the disordered will deny any shortcomings, usually by shifting the blame (projecting) for any issues onto, as well as devaluing, others. If it’s a romantic relationship and they happen to be unfaithful to their partner, suddenly they treat their partner as the one who has strayed. Or the narcissist in any type of relationship or situation may use projection by claiming that you are abusive to them (aka they are the “victim”) when, in fact, it is quite the opposite. Classic narcissistic behaviour using projection.
So, what approach is useful for dealing with narcissistic projection? As set out in my previous blog post on smear campaigns (the often culminating event of projection), silence tends to work well as a response and as a strong boundary. That means avoiding JED; justifying, explaining, defending. Narcissists literally count on their victims to JED so that they can further their agenda of playing the victim and take the heat off of their own shortcomings that they can’t bear to look at. They feed on the responses to their projection behaviour. If circumstances do not allow for silence as a reaction to projection, try to say as little as you need to and without JED-ing or pointing fingers in the process. Stick to the facts and leave emotion out of it as much as is humanly possible.
Above all else, check in with yourself when you feel that you’ve been accused of or made to feel responsible for something (feelings, behaviour, etc.) that isn’t yours. Recognize that projection is a very real and common occurrence and that you don’t need to ‘own’ anyone else’s issues, especially those who are in the narcissistic category. At the very foundation of it, narcissists cannot face any shortcomings in themselves – it goes against everything they constantly do to protect their sensitive egos – and they will go to any length to deflect it onto others. Do your best not to be drawn into their maneuvers and you can be assured of much less narcissistic drama in your life together with freedom from battles that aren’t yours to fight.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
For anyone who has had to deal with a narcissist, you will likely have discovered that they are masterful with smear campaigns when they turn on you. They will tell lies about you to anyone who will listen in an attempt to discredit you and make themselves out to be the innocent victim of your alleged horrific behaviour. Without a doubt, this is a difficult position in which to find yourself. A common knee-jerk reaction tends to be a strong need to clear your name, explain that you haven’t done anything to the complainant, and keep your reputation intact without losing friends or, even worse, family members.
In my experience, the very best response is silence, unless absolutely necessary. The narcissist wants to see you trying to defend yourself so that they can further their case against you. They’ll tell everyone that you’re lying and will put even more effort into playing the victim while attempting to discredit you in an attempt to alienate you from as many people as possible. If you can, don’t respond. Silence is golden.
I once knew a narcissist who tried to destroy me on every level simply because she wanted the small business that I had created. It was a challenging experience that she tried to drag on for quite some time. I learned early in the situation to stay in my lane and quietly wait for people to start catching on to her. It didn’t take long before her lies and extremely toxic behaviour began to garner attention. Soon, she did not have many supporters because they began to see through her routine. Eventually she moved on to other targets but with each attack she launched, more people (flying monkeys) jumped ship. Has she learned anything from these experiences? If she has, it isn’t apparent. In fact, I have heard that her most current campaign is against someone who recently passed away! Their hatred knows no bounds. She continues with the same false stories, looking for sympathy and to damage others; it’s just that no one pays any attention to her now (unless they’re a new pawn in her life). Sadly, it’s rare for narcissists to change. If nothing else, and with a strong awareness of the damage and pain they cause other people, I feel sorry for these disordered individuals. What a way to go through life.
So, in my mind, the best response to a smear campaign is no response, unless it is a case where it is absolutely necessary to do so. Enjoy your life while they do their thing. Picture them as a little narcissistic tornado trapped in a lidded mason jar, spinning angrily with no particular direction. Contained, powerless, wasting energy with the endless swirling vortex of their own unhappiness and need to manipulate and control everything around them. Take that imaginary jar and set it somewhere that you never have to look at it. Then breathe a few deep breaths and move on.
Until next time,
Heather
http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com naturalclaritycoaching@gmail.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
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